Good day, my fellow thinkers~
Well, I had a "no duh" kind of moment today. I received a call from my good friend Jessica and she helped me face some issues that I have been avoiding. I used to be an exploder - for those of you yellers out there you know what I am talking about. I think somewhere along the line I have turned into a stuffer. For you quiet types, you know what I'm talking about. I just keep pushing issues deeper and deeper down inside of me and I refuse to deal with them because it's too painful.
As my friends all know I try NOT to feel no matter what. If I feel one emotion then I will have to feel all emotions and I just don't wanna! But it's time to get over that selfish notion and obey God and what HE has for me. Ouch. That hurts to even admit it in print, not that anyone will ever read it out here in cyberspace.
My basic issues can be summed up in the chorus of the old Sunday School hymn "Trust and Obey."
Trust and obey,
for there's no other way
To be happy in Jesus,
But to trust and obey.
The song starts out "When we walk with the Lord." Ha...let's stop right there. I don't walk with the Lord, folks. I carry on my merry way and when situations come I appeal to God and obey but not on a moment by moment every minute every hour every day basis. I have been reading a very powerful book entitled "Surrender" by Nancy Leigh DeMoss (sp?) and I have discovered that I don't surrender much of anything to the Lord. Cripes. Which leads me to another old song, "I Surrender All," but in my case it's more like "I surrender just what I want when I want and really that's not much of anything." That's hard to write a lyrical melody for, folks, TRUST ME.
Trust and Obey
John H. Sammis, 1887
Daniel B. Towner, 1887
Scripture: Psalm 84:11-12
When we walk with the Lord in the light of His Word,What a glory He sheds on our way!
While we do His good will, He abides with us still,And with all who will trust and obey.
Refrain:Trust and obey, for there's no other way
To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.
Not a shadow can rise, not a cloud in the skies, But His smile quickly drives it away;
Not a doubt or a fear, not a sigh or a tear, Can abide while we trust and obey.
Not a burden we bear, not a sorrow we share, But our toil He doth richly repay;
Not a grief or a loss, not a frown or a cross, But is blessed if we trust and obey.
But we never can prove the delights of His love Until all on the altar we lay;
For the favor He shows, for the joy He bestows, Are for them who will trust and obey.
Then in fellowship sweet we will sit at His feet, Or we'll walk by His side in the way;
What He says we will do, where He sends we will go; Never fear, only trust and obey.
I could write on and on about each phrase of each verse in this song, but that would get extremely tedious, so I won't...yet...but don't be surprised if someday I just go right ahead and do it.
Trust - that is my first step. I trust no one. My husband is the closest anyone has ever managed to get. He is a VERY determined individual! Next is probably Molly and Jessica on an equal but different plane ( LOVE YOU GIRLS), and then the rest of the world. I know, it'awfulul, but it's the
Obey - forget it! I hate to obey anyone for any reason! I'm so much better than I was, but in terms of the rest of the world I'm the worst. In the words of Rich Mullins from his A Liturgy, a Legacy, and a Ragamuffin Band cd:
"I'd rather fight you for somethin' I don't really want
Than take what You give that I need.
And I beat my head against so many walls,
And I'm fallin' down, fallin' on my knees."
Whew. It's so THERE - so true in text form. It almost hurts me to look at it. They say the truth hurts and boy, 'they' aren't kidding. I was chatting with Molly about the power of self reflection and the ability to see where you can change and grow. While this is a ratheembarrassingng and painful process it needs to happen for me to move forward. What are YOU stuffing or refusing to deal with? Might it be better to just get working on it? Remember, I'm talking to myself here too.
I think that about does it for today. Thanks for reading. Please share solutions that you have used to move through and beyond this type of struggle so we can all benefit and grow.
me
4 comments:
I'm so proud of the things you have been letting the Lord do honey! You have come so far and really are a different person. Thanks for being obedient!
Hey Karen, Wonderful to hear the way God is working in your life! We all have so far to go, all we can do is take itty-bitty baby steps closer to Him!
From one self-evaluator to another, keep up the good work! Reaching in and pulling out those hurts and issues to analyze them is a mighty hard thing to do and my hat is off to you for having the courage to do it! I can attest to the relief and freedom it brings, and to the tears and pain the process brings about, too. It takes all of your life to grow and become wise. Not everyone attempts it head on, but you are. You have always been a very aware person, Karen. I have loved you from afar all your life, and admire you so much. If you can learn to trust yourself, with Bob at your side, you will find it easier to trust others, including God. Give yourself the space, the love, and the time. Your blog is a work of art! I love it! And I love you.
I was going to comment here, but it got a little out of hand. Okay so it was like 14 million lines long. So I emailed it to you.
Betsy
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